~Vince~
You regret it.
You regret ever leaving her, your most treasured, beautiful, frighteningly fragile little white bunny. You regret ever neglect her for such unimportant matters, you regret not noticing her blank stare when you were with others. You regret ever letting her hang up on you.
And now she's gone.
~
“Tom, he was a piper’s son, he learnt to play when he was young, and all the tune that he could play, was ‘Over the hills and far away’...”
The song was like a peaceful choir that morning, filling the dry air with something refreshing. It was nearly nine in the morning and you are fully awake.
You are sitting uncomfortably on the floor; amazingly complicated pieces of puzzle were lying in front of you. You are matching the one by one the pieces when you heard another noise beside the song.
A small gray cat sat on the table in front of the opened window, looking at you. You glanced up from the puzzle, and there she—or he—was. The Russian Blue cat was stunning, fluffy and cute. For a moment, you felt like returning the stare.
The dull big black eyes were staring at you like it was a statue, and it remain silent. Somehow, you felt like you are staring at yourself. The emptiness in the cat’s eyes was clearly seen as a charm to the creature itself. Who wonders what kind of filthy secrets lay behind it?
But then again, whatever it is, mustn’t be less than yours.
You destroyed her, every last pieces of her fragile heart. You shattered all she has left. Vince, you idiot!
You killed her.
And there's absolutely nothing you could do about it.
You are everything to her, and yet you let her down until that much? What kind of criminal you are?
You realized you are stupid, reckless, lowest than anyone living in the world. Even, you realized, you didn't have the right to live on.
Little, meaningless things.
The first time you let Anna meet Claire, you did realize the small pout forming cutely on her face. Yes, you did realize your precious Anna was sulking. How can she not, you're always with her, your names are connected to each other. Even your beloved parents know it very well that if you were there, Anna’ll be there, and so is the other way.
How could you forget what’s important?
It was when you were 16, that you realized the feelings you have for her isn’t just as family. You two were playing on the grass field, tired of what you did all day long; which you didn’t remember quite clearly. And you just lay there, with her beside you, smiling.
You stared at her. Her eyes were big and glowing as it stared back at you, a stare that felt like she was looking into your soul, discovering the smallest, most complex parts of you.
It’s red, isn’t it, she asked you, and you turned your head away from her beautiful figure, onto the crimson red sky.
You remember nodded. Yeah, it is, you replied, and at that time, you were stunned by her form; smiling softly, eyes closed, so peaceful. You gaped, silently, staring at her. She was beautiful, more than anything in the world. The white pale soft face of the most beautiful person was only a step away from you, smiling with pink insipid lips that everyone would like to kiss. Her hair, platinum blonde, covering a bit of her brown moist eyes, swayed by the gentle breeze of the wind.
Little, meaningless things.
I met you in my dreams, she said, a soft chuckle followed right after. I met Vince in my dream.
And at that time, you really wished to kiss her there.
What would that cost her, anyway?
It’s just a kiss.
A small, soft kiss on her lips.
But still, you couldn’t do it. Though you were sure that she was always yours, though you were sure that her little soul belongs to you, forever and ever, you still couldn’t do it. Of course, no. That was enough for you.
That was enough.
The sentence was spinning around your mind every second of your life. It was enough for both of you. Demanding something that won’t happen was like hoping for a apple tree to grow on a rocky road.
But the very pathetic feeling in your mind told you that it wasn’t enough. You know that. Sitting around without being able to lay a hand on the other was a hell.
Stupid!
Why couldn’t you tell her? Why couldn’t you just tell her that you love her? Did your words now... Even if it's just a little... Reach her?
~
“Vince?” your mom’s voice wakes you up.
You broke the stare with the cat—that quickly ran away in surprise—and turned around. You quickly faked a smile.
“Mom.”
“Are you okay?” she asked you, slipping her body through the small opening of the door to your room.
You look at her and say, “I'm okay.”
Are you?
“You suppressing yourself in so many way that some trigger might cause you to lose control one day,” your mom said, and it startled you a little.
“I'm not suppressing anything... Like that,” you replied to her, but you know yourself too well that you realize it was all a lie.
“If you keep dismissing everything, you'll lose something important,” mom said, but then she hesitated. “No. You simply had lose something really important to you.”
You shook your head, letting out a weak smile. “Mom, I...”
“I don't think you have to run away from reality anymore, my dear,” you heard her saying as she hold your hand tight. “You have nothing to hide for anymore.”
You are taken aback by her words, and somehow it hurt deep down, your little heart.
“Claire’s here to visit you,” mom said. “Go eat something for the very least, Vince. You haven’t eat anything in the past few days.” And with that, she opened the door, walking out for a few second before disappering at the end of the corridor, presence replaced by a man taller than her.
“Hey, Vince,” Claire walked towards you.
You smiled. “Hey.”
“You looked a lot thinner,” she said, her awkward laugh could easily marked zero in cover up.
"Yeah, yeah," you laugh.
You laugh!
You stop abruptly. How dare you! Voices in your head started accussing you, cursing you, destroying you.
And Anna's angelic face popped out in your mind. Smiling, laughing, crying. The thousands of 'I love you's, butterfly kisses, hugs, and sweet heart-melting smiles that you're dying to have once more.
“Vince?” Claire’s voice sounded really soft.
You are shivering, trembling lips forming around the word ‘no’, repeating it over and over. You shook your head violently, tears streaming down without a care to stop. The loud pounding in your ears muffled your own screams; the twisting organ within your ribcage muffled all other senses, the world spinning before your eyes. The pain clashing against your skull was nothing when compared to the loss of warmth, the loss of yourself, as you realize that Anna won't be there, ever again.
You fell down, crying, screaming, trying to catch your own shattering heart. Without even knowing what is it, you felt the huge pressure inside you. Something was screaming, yelling in pity for miracle. Begging for time. Begging for forgiveness.
"Vince!" You heard Claire screamed along with you, shaking your body.
"Don't touch me!" You cried, slapping her reaching hand.
You pitied yourself, you, YOU, who unable to snatch her back from death’s claws as they crushed her soul into a dusty memory.
"No, Anna, no!" You screamed, hand reaching up. "No, Anna, I love you, Anna, don't leave me!"
"Vince!" Claire tried again, but you pushed her away, standing. "Help!"
You could imagine her crying, confused of her own life, standing on the tip of the cliff. And then your one phone call, your fucking one phone call! You selfish, idiotic words ended it all!
If only you didn't neglect her!
The figure of her, one step from the death, saying she love you all this time. The figure of her, after taking the biggest decision in her life, laying lifelessly at the bottom of the cliff.
How broken she was, how she was trapped in emotional rollercoaster, just like you now.
Why couldn't you replace her?
It's your fault! YOURS!!!
You couldn't accept his death, no, no, no!
You ran, bumping your mom until you fell down.
You regret ever leaving her, your most treasured, beautiful, frighteningly fragile little white bunny. You regret ever neglect her for such unimportant matters, you regret not noticing her blank stare when you were with others. You regret ever letting her hang up on you.
And now she's gone.
~
“Tom, he was a piper’s son, he learnt to play when he was young, and all the tune that he could play, was ‘Over the hills and far away’...”
The song was like a peaceful choir that morning, filling the dry air with something refreshing. It was nearly nine in the morning and you are fully awake.
You are sitting uncomfortably on the floor; amazingly complicated pieces of puzzle were lying in front of you. You are matching the one by one the pieces when you heard another noise beside the song.
A small gray cat sat on the table in front of the opened window, looking at you. You glanced up from the puzzle, and there she—or he—was. The Russian Blue cat was stunning, fluffy and cute. For a moment, you felt like returning the stare.
The dull big black eyes were staring at you like it was a statue, and it remain silent. Somehow, you felt like you are staring at yourself. The emptiness in the cat’s eyes was clearly seen as a charm to the creature itself. Who wonders what kind of filthy secrets lay behind it?
But then again, whatever it is, mustn’t be less than yours.
You destroyed her, every last pieces of her fragile heart. You shattered all she has left. Vince, you idiot!
You killed her.
And there's absolutely nothing you could do about it.
You are everything to her, and yet you let her down until that much? What kind of criminal you are?
You realized you are stupid, reckless, lowest than anyone living in the world. Even, you realized, you didn't have the right to live on.
Little, meaningless things.
The first time you let Anna meet Claire, you did realize the small pout forming cutely on her face. Yes, you did realize your precious Anna was sulking. How can she not, you're always with her, your names are connected to each other. Even your beloved parents know it very well that if you were there, Anna’ll be there, and so is the other way.
How could you forget what’s important?
It was when you were 16, that you realized the feelings you have for her isn’t just as family. You two were playing on the grass field, tired of what you did all day long; which you didn’t remember quite clearly. And you just lay there, with her beside you, smiling.
You stared at her. Her eyes were big and glowing as it stared back at you, a stare that felt like she was looking into your soul, discovering the smallest, most complex parts of you.
It’s red, isn’t it, she asked you, and you turned your head away from her beautiful figure, onto the crimson red sky.
You remember nodded. Yeah, it is, you replied, and at that time, you were stunned by her form; smiling softly, eyes closed, so peaceful. You gaped, silently, staring at her. She was beautiful, more than anything in the world. The white pale soft face of the most beautiful person was only a step away from you, smiling with pink insipid lips that everyone would like to kiss. Her hair, platinum blonde, covering a bit of her brown moist eyes, swayed by the gentle breeze of the wind.
Little, meaningless things.
I met you in my dreams, she said, a soft chuckle followed right after. I met Vince in my dream.
And at that time, you really wished to kiss her there.
What would that cost her, anyway?
It’s just a kiss.
A small, soft kiss on her lips.
But still, you couldn’t do it. Though you were sure that she was always yours, though you were sure that her little soul belongs to you, forever and ever, you still couldn’t do it. Of course, no. That was enough for you.
That was enough.
The sentence was spinning around your mind every second of your life. It was enough for both of you. Demanding something that won’t happen was like hoping for a apple tree to grow on a rocky road.
But the very pathetic feeling in your mind told you that it wasn’t enough. You know that. Sitting around without being able to lay a hand on the other was a hell.
Stupid!
Why couldn’t you tell her? Why couldn’t you just tell her that you love her? Did your words now... Even if it's just a little... Reach her?
~
“Vince?” your mom’s voice wakes you up.
You broke the stare with the cat—that quickly ran away in surprise—and turned around. You quickly faked a smile.
“Mom.”
“Are you okay?” she asked you, slipping her body through the small opening of the door to your room.
You look at her and say, “I'm okay.”
Are you?
“You suppressing yourself in so many way that some trigger might cause you to lose control one day,” your mom said, and it startled you a little.
“I'm not suppressing anything... Like that,” you replied to her, but you know yourself too well that you realize it was all a lie.
“If you keep dismissing everything, you'll lose something important,” mom said, but then she hesitated. “No. You simply had lose something really important to you.”
You shook your head, letting out a weak smile. “Mom, I...”
“I don't think you have to run away from reality anymore, my dear,” you heard her saying as she hold your hand tight. “You have nothing to hide for anymore.”
You are taken aback by her words, and somehow it hurt deep down, your little heart.
“Claire’s here to visit you,” mom said. “Go eat something for the very least, Vince. You haven’t eat anything in the past few days.” And with that, she opened the door, walking out for a few second before disappering at the end of the corridor, presence replaced by a man taller than her.
“Hey, Vince,” Claire walked towards you.
You smiled. “Hey.”
“You looked a lot thinner,” she said, her awkward laugh could easily marked zero in cover up.
"Yeah, yeah," you laugh.
You laugh!
You stop abruptly. How dare you! Voices in your head started accussing you, cursing you, destroying you.
And Anna's angelic face popped out in your mind. Smiling, laughing, crying. The thousands of 'I love you's, butterfly kisses, hugs, and sweet heart-melting smiles that you're dying to have once more.
“Vince?” Claire’s voice sounded really soft.
You are shivering, trembling lips forming around the word ‘no’, repeating it over and over. You shook your head violently, tears streaming down without a care to stop. The loud pounding in your ears muffled your own screams; the twisting organ within your ribcage muffled all other senses, the world spinning before your eyes. The pain clashing against your skull was nothing when compared to the loss of warmth, the loss of yourself, as you realize that Anna won't be there, ever again.
You fell down, crying, screaming, trying to catch your own shattering heart. Without even knowing what is it, you felt the huge pressure inside you. Something was screaming, yelling in pity for miracle. Begging for time. Begging for forgiveness.
"Vince!" You heard Claire screamed along with you, shaking your body.
"Don't touch me!" You cried, slapping her reaching hand.
You pitied yourself, you, YOU, who unable to snatch her back from death’s claws as they crushed her soul into a dusty memory.
"No, Anna, no!" You screamed, hand reaching up. "No, Anna, I love you, Anna, don't leave me!"
"Vince!" Claire tried again, but you pushed her away, standing. "Help!"
You could imagine her crying, confused of her own life, standing on the tip of the cliff. And then your one phone call, your fucking one phone call! You selfish, idiotic words ended it all!
If only you didn't neglect her!
The figure of her, one step from the death, saying she love you all this time. The figure of her, after taking the biggest decision in her life, laying lifelessly at the bottom of the cliff.
How broken she was, how she was trapped in emotional rollercoaster, just like you now.
Why couldn't you replace her?
It's your fault! YOURS!!!
You couldn't accept his death, no, no, no!
You ran, bumping your mom until you fell down.
"Vince!" She
cried, but you can't listen. "Stop this madness!"
She loved you, but she couldn't take it anymore.
"No!" You cried, standing back up, running.
"Vince!"
"NO!! Let go!!" You screamed, prying Claire's and mom's hand off you harshly. "No.. Anna..."
It hurt, your stomach contorting and twisting within your center. You couldn't stop the tears, the scream, the pain. You want to have her, you love her, you want her.
Anna.
You ran way, to the street, head spinning like crazy. And you see the light coming, closer and closer in no time.
You love her.
You love her.
You love Anna.
"Vince, watch out for the car!"
I love you. I really do.
You laugh. It's done already. You're gonna catch up with her.
She loved you, but she couldn't take it anymore.
"No!" You cried, standing back up, running.
"Vince!"
"NO!! Let go!!" You screamed, prying Claire's and mom's hand off you harshly. "No.. Anna..."
It hurt, your stomach contorting and twisting within your center. You couldn't stop the tears, the scream, the pain. You want to have her, you love her, you want her.
Anna.
You ran way, to the street, head spinning like crazy. And you see the light coming, closer and closer in no time.
You love her.
You love her.
You love Anna.
"Vince, watch out for the car!"
I love you. I really do.
You laugh. It's done already. You're gonna catch up with her.
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