~Anna~
“You keep loving me,
You keep hurting me
Maybe it’s true
That’ll we’ll never be together
That I’m yours,
And you’re never mine
But I guess it’s okay
And so I said
Maybe you’re an asshole
Maybe you keeps hurting me
But you can’t live without me
As I can’t live without him
But as time ticking
I'm no longer blind to see
So now I’ll make it clear
I love him forever, forever is over
So let me go and set me free
So that I can move on”
You are standing at the tip of your life, regretting everything that ever happened. In front of you is a fairly dense forest and waterfall, pile of stones and from afar there are mountains, randomly popping out as a background to cover up the almost rising sun.
You smirked slightly, staring at the beautiful silver ring around your fourth finger. The diamond on it is perfection no one can argue... Except you.
Yes, of course. Except you.
You are here now after all. After years since that time, this is the first time you come back. You’ll do what you had left in the past, you’ll stand there, sight-seeing, forgetting everything else, like nothing ever going to happen. Only now, you could not turn back.
Whatever happen, you won't return.
You froze as the memories of him flashed your mind and hit you like lightning. Your mind travelled back to the past while you began to realize how long it had been since that time.
~
Life’s never easy. You were no exception.
You lived at the streets, where all bad things of the world landed. You lived a pathetic life back then, you can’t even steal well.
Your mother died while giving birth to you, and you always wondered what happened to your father until he thought that it was necessary to threw you to the streets the moment you reached seven.
It didn’t matter, though. All you knew was that you were on your own, your life depended on how fast you are, how talented you are, on stealing.
But you met him.
Of course, him. Vince Rickenbackers, he introduced himself to you, and you quickly recognize him as the rumored richest boy in town. His small suit was evidently expensive, his shoes were shiny and the red ribbons were flaming on him. You looked at yourself and you felt so low in front of him.
He handed you a caramel lollipop, smiling. You’re cute, you remember him saying, and he asked for your name.
You took the candy since you were so hungry, but you just shook your head at his last question. You told him that you don’t remember yourself.
He seemed surprise, but he still smiled. I’ll claim you mine, he said firmly as he pull out a ring from his small finger, placing it to your fourth finger. It was beautiful, the ring, you clearly remembered gaping at it the second it get around your fourth finger. He grabbed your hand and dragged you to his car, meeting both of his parents. He introduced you right away and he said that he wanted to keep you.
His parents told him it’s not good to bring outsider inside the house, but they didn’t argue much. Vince took your hand and intertwined your fingers together firmly.
I’ll named him Anna, he said.
Since then, you’re the property of Rickenbackers residence.
~
You giggled quietly, as you recall how silly you two had been.
He made you do things, from sleeping together until staying up late to play games. You were so happy. He teached you how to sing, how to count, how to read. You two took turns to sing each other lullaby, reading bedtime stories, and so much more that it would take you hours to remember clearly.
But you always loved how he would stare at you before sleeping, the way those black orbs sincerely see through you and said, “I love you Anna, good night,” and made you stay awake for a couple more hours of embarrassment.
His parents soon considered you as family, giving you clothes and full meals, and you felt like you were in heaven. You didn’t get your own room until you reached fifteen though, mostly because Vince refused to let you have one, but you never mind.
Being with Vince itself is the best thing of all.
~
If only you could tell him that.
~
You were 18 and he was 19 when he got another friend. Claire Stanley was her name; she has those sparkling animated eyes and bunny smile, cute and adorable, but you couldn’t help but feel the rush of jealousy filling you when Vince smiled at her.
You want to tell her to back off, to tell her that Vince is yours.
But you couldn’t, could you? Because though you’re his, he was never yours from the first time.
~
You rolled your eyes at the thought. Yes, of course, he could claim you, never the other way around. You wondered, so badly, what could happen if the circumstances isn’t the way it is.
But then you stop imagining, since you know, you would never meet him if your situation is any better. So you kept quiet as you tried to refreshed your memories, while eyes focused on the sky that is still grey and hands busy rubbing each other because of the frosty bitter wind blowing from every direction.
~
Claire Stanley got really attached with Vince in no time, and you were defenseless against the cuddly and sweet moments between them. You grew tired of all the stuff you saw them doing, but you couldn’t help it since it is not yours to decide anything.
You never complained, because after Claire Stanley went home, Vince always look for you and apologise about how he neglect you and so on. You would soon be your usual self in front of him because you realized, you just couldn’t possibly stay angry at him.
~
He started to neglected little things he promised; to compose music together, to go out for dinner—you starve when he forgot about it—, to accompany you cooking the new recipes. He apologise ever so frantically, telling you that he has work to do from school, or that he made an appointment with other friends.
Vince turned annoying, yet you found him lovable like always. It was okay. He always returned to you, no matter what he did. And as long as he do so, you don’t mind much. It doesn’t matter anymore as long as he returned, so you always let it pass.
But everything has a limit, and so is your endless passion of satisfying him.
He was not there at the celebration of your first meeting; or to be really thorough, your birthday party. He always there before, he never missed it. But now that he got new friends, you couldn’t really think straight anymore. He has a life, you force yourself to think like that, and you must move on. You simply must.
But how could you?
Just by remembering his smile, his loving eyes, his warmth when he hugs you, you felt like crying. Suddenly, life gets harder. Suddenly, it felt... Like it’s hard to breathe.
~
So now you stand, aimlessly, suffering.
Despite this fresh air right from the highland, you still felt hard to breathe. The more you tried to forget all your feelings toward him, the more you realized that you were scared of losing him.
You always said that it was okay, only if he returned. If he returned, nothing else matters. So why are you crying?
All day you had been thinking, talking to friend, searching, too much for your liking, but you guess it worth it. You are choking back sobs; feeling paralyzed as memories came rushing back to you with a whirlwind of heartbreak.
Maybe it was because you tried too hard on thinking about it, when he isn’t leaving you at all? Or maybe it was the fact that you are too tired of waiting, that you used up all your strength to make a certain Vince Rickenbackers love you back.
What sin had you committed that you need to be punished this way?
But the sobs that escape your lips now weren't just for him, weren't just for lost memories of ‘I love you’s and laughter, happiness and smiles. You were depressed, imagining him getting too far from you drove you nuts.
It's going to be alright, you thought sarcastically, and started laughing.
Unstoppable.
Painful.
Unbearable.
Your cheeks are glistening with tears, your stomach hurts. You thought you’re going to die from lack of oxygen, oh, how much you wish you would.
Vince Rickenbackers is leaving you.
You laugh harder.
~
The phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Anna, I want to tell you that I won’t be able to come back home for a few days. We got to rush for the project. Can you compose the song by your own?”
You force yourself to laugh. “I’m good.”
“Okay then, see you later?”
“Vince,” you said.
“Yes?”
“I really love you. I always do.”
“Eh...? What do you...”
“Goodbye, Vince.”
You cut the line.
You love him forever, forever is over.
You tried took out the ring out of your finger, almost breaking down crying from doing so. You realized you wouldn’t make it, doing anything without the ring, without feeling that you’re his, so you stop your desperate trial on taking out the ring and let it be there.
You just wanted to be his for the rest of your life, whatever happen.
You gambled your all for him, and you lose. You stared at the view in front of you. Birds chripping down the hill, welcoming the rising sun. You stared, at the huge rocks, the waterfall, the never ending green.
“Vince Rickenbackers, I love you.”
You took a step forward, and you moved on.
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